We went old school on our pumpkin this year
I have become obsessed with what it means to be a single parent. Kinda crazy I know since I have never had the whole “normal” family situation.
But it becomes a problem now because my baby has started kindergarten, and I have realized how little of a social life I have right now. I do have to say thank goodness for my family, or my minuscule version of a social life would be nonexistent.
Every afternoon I stand and wait for to pick up my baby and watch other parents talking, and having conversations about their families and children and I start feeling alone. I revert to that painfully shy girl I was in high school, not fitting in or making any advances to fit in. I come home alone, and once I put Wookis to bed every night I sit alone and wonder what will happen to the two of us. What will happen to me as he grows up and away from me.
Though most days I love my solitude, I have enjoyed being able to follow my own rules and not have anybody else to worry about, I have started being to be concerned that I will be one of those crazy cat women – alone for the rest of my days. Clinging tightly to my connection to Wookis, dependent on him for any or all of my contact with the outside world. Or completely dependent on my sister and brother-in-law, squeezing in on their family time, becoming that crazy auntie that just won’t go away.
Yea, this picture makes me look like that I am not that far from crazy-town. It’s a little disturbing big my mouth is and how pale my skin is.
So my little boy has now started kindergarten.
I spent all day Sunday, making him promise that that he wouldn’t grow up, that he would remain my little boy. Well he promised of course, but this morning when I pulled up to his school, he told me that I didn’t need to walk him to the door.
WHAT?!
I cannot freaking believe it. My little boy is growing up without me! I am so not ready for him to grow up and become an independent little man. I need him to be my little boy for just a couple more years.
Poor Sleepy Boy
For years I have been the most important person in my Wookis’ life. There have been times when Aunties or Uncles have trumped me, but that has never lasted too long. Monday though I am registering my baby for kindergarten. And thus begins the world of other kids teaching him cuss words, teachers offering up discipline and judging him, and my parenting skills. Quickly it will become a world of friends that I don’t like, and the dreaded GIRLFRIENDS.
I can see the future, and it is bleak…
Do I seem a little melodramatic?
Probably.
But I could use just a little more time.
Please?!
Visit me here, and see some of my photography.
Wookis had an assignment at preschool to come up with a polite way to say some common kid phrases.
I think he had the best replies ever, (and I am not just saying that because I am his mom, his teacher agreed with me!)
NOTE: His teacher did the writing, not Wookis, but according to her these are his own words.
Last night I had one of the hardest conversations with Wookis. EVER. In the world.
Wookis asked about my mom.
Now anyone that is close to me knows that my wonderful mother died at the end of November in 2007 after a very painful struggle with Colorectal cancer. And to be honest, I am still not over it. Wookis was only 2 at the time, so going into a lot of detail wasn’t important. I had just told him that she died and was an angel now. Though that answer never sat well with me (it isn’t something that I believe in), I let it go at that. He was only 2 (almost 3) and getting to detailed about death and dying wasn’t something that I wanted to do.
But lately, he has been bringing it up more and more often. He wants to know were my mommy is, I have pictures of her and he has never met this enigma that is his Daya. So last night when we were laying in bed watching a little bit of TV together, he asked again what my mommy’s name was, so I told him “You called her Daya, and she loved you very much.”
It was then that something totally unexpected happened, he started crying and asked where she was. At first I started the same old line of heaven and angels, but then I changed my mind. So I told him that he would never have to worry about where she was because she was in his heart because he loved her and that he would always have her with him.
Now I am not sure if that was a good response or not, but it felt better to me then the same old bull shit of heaven and angels or other crap that I didn’t believe myself.
Though the whole thing lasted a total of five minutes, it honestly felt like hours.
