So recently I have been thinking a lot about my goals and where I wanted to be when I grew up. The scary thing is my goals have changed so much. And I’m kinda sad, because I don’t even miss them.
When I was going to school I wanted to be a hugely sucessful party planner and be strong and independant. (I love David Tutera!) Then I had a baby.
I always thought that that meant that my goals were pushed back a little bit, until I could make sure that my son grew up a little and get back on track. Then my mom was diagnosed with cancer, and now those goals aren’t even a blip on the radar. I still love planning and organizing and feeling important and needed, but it has changed.
Recently I read my sister’s blog, and she talked a little about what we have been going through as a family for the last year, but the pain extended far past that. The pain really started when we realized that Mom’s pain didn’t start the year she was diagnosed with cancer, it started when she married my former step-father.
And now as her children we have taken on the pain the she sheltered from us for so long. I don’t know how she could be so strong.
Then ther was the day my brother moved out. He didn’t move very far, a friend’s house and they are wonderful people. But it made me sad…
We’re not together any more.
That was just the beginning, now I have moved to Capital City and I am miserable and alone. My youngest brother is still living with his father and I feel guilty. Not that I had a choice. The jerk face kicked me out. but that doesn’t change my feelings.
I am so tired of being sad and guilty. Those are the feelings that torment me every day. I don’t even have a a life anymore. I spend my days worrying…worrying about Wookis, my dog, my sister, my brothers. I worry about getting a job. I worry about being alone. There are days where I worry about all the worrying I do. Everything is falling in a downward spiral, and I am not sure that I have reached rock bottom yet.
I know I need to be positive, but how do I do it? How do you start?
Please help.
1 Comment
June 3, 2009 at 5:41 pm
I am so sorry for all that you are facing. I wish I could help. I am grieving the loss of my son and the sadness never goes away. I was caught by your title, “Starting Over”. We are too. Our family is not the same and we don’t know how to be different either. It’s very uncomfortable. Sometimes life just hurts. I will pray for you.